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May 21, 2010

Your absence is so obvious.

Because I’m so used to hearing from you everyday — what you’re doing, how you’re doing, what you’re eating  etc– and telling you about the small, mundane things that I’m doing in everyday life. Those details didn’t seem important, and they weren’t really, but it was the only way we could make the distance seem less and I think we both appreciated it. It brought  me a lot of joy learning  about your life , little by little, and they way you live it. But now it seems inappropriate to ask anymore questions. Yet I still want to know you. It’s a selfish curiosity because it might cause you pain to hear from me. It causes me a lot of pain too. But for some reason, I’m letting myself feel this because I can’t go back to my old habits of un-existing people. I have too much admiration for you. And so, I don’t know if you’re still wondering about me or whether you’re interested at all but if you were to ask me what I’ve been doing I would tell you this:

Today I woke up late. I ran out of the house without eating breakfast. Luckily, I had taken three mandarins, that I eventually ate on the bus, and quickly chucked them into my bag. The lecture was okay. This time, at least, I wasn’t sitting around anyone annoying. Everyone just minded their own business taking notes. I was taking notes too but my mind was elsewhere, in a far far away place. Got back home at roughly 3 o’clock. Washed the dishes, wiped the kitchen top , and cleaned my sister’s room, after which I made a simple lunch. Sandwich with avocado. I would have put salmon in it but I finished it two days ago. And then I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I just couldn’t. I tried studying but as I switched on the laptop, I noticed that I had left Madame Bovary to the left of my economics textbook. If books had eyes, it would have been glaring at me judgmentally, because it knew I would not read it because I couldn’t. Not without you.

Everything else that happened today had of no great significance. I’m just about to have dinner with mum & dad. No one has any idea about anything. Least not, me. I’ve made a commitment to pray about you everyday. I’m sorry if you don’t like that idea, but it’s the one thing I can do and I’m sticking to it.

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